This isn’t really going to be a post full of answers, because I certainly don’t have them. I just wanted to share some things that have been on my mind.
I’ve been reading a book I’ve had for years, “Grab a Broom, Lord…..There’s Dust Everywhere! The Imperfect Woman’s Guide to God’s Grace“. It really has nothing to do being a woman (but it was written by a woman), and can be read by either gender. It’s a short book and a great read, in case you’re interested.
Lately, I’ve found myself getting really down on myself for screwing up so much. Not even necessarily just screwing up so much, but for not changing. I try and I try and I try, but it seems that everytime I think I’m on the right track, doing good, buzzing right along, life is good, ministry is good, people are happy, I’m happy….something comes along and just takes my feet right out from under me. Knocks me on the ground. Makes me question what the heck I’m doing and question weather or not God really thought this (me) all through. It always seems to come at a time when I think everything is great.
This part in the book, right in the intro, really hit home for me:
How often have you cried over your failures and mistakes that you can’t change? How many times have you wished that you could be free of all your flaws and insecurities, your painful past and recurring trespasses? How many times have you looked at yourself in the mirror and seen a wicked, weak, and worthless face staring back at you?
Something that I have to constantly remind myself is that God created me imperfect. His grace covers my imperfections and failures. I’m never going to be perfect. I’m His work in progress as long as I’m on this earth.
I used to think that life made me the way that I am, and while that might be true to a certain extent, God knew what He was doing. It’s not as if He was up in Heaven going “Well dang, how did she get herself into THAT situation? I wonder how this is going to turn out?”
He knows.
I often joke that I must have been pretty stubborn to have to go through some of the things that I have in order to learn the lessons that I’ve learned.
I wish so much that I didn’t have the flaws that I have and struggle with the things I struggle with. I don’t want to be perfect, but can’t I just have some smaller, more manageble struggles? Please??
Nope.
“Why not?” I whine, but I know the answer.
Where would I be without my struggles? They keep me grounded, they keep me focused, and they keep me completely dependant on Him. He is not going to give me flaws that I can fix myself. How would anyone be able to see Him working in me then? Everything we do, everything we are, everything we overcome, is for His glory.
Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God. 2 Corinthians 3:5
I am desperate for Him to mold me and shape me. I beg and plead with Him everyday to help me change the things in me that need to be changed, but when I feel that pressure and that squeeze that I know is God trying to do just that, how do I handle it? I try my best to just push through it, but it’s painful, it’s hard to keep pressing forward, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. It makes me question everything I do and say because I have no idea what I’m doing. Part of me wants to hide.
Thing is, I don’t have to know what I’m doing. I just have to know that HE is doing something. Something in me. And I have to let Him do it, no matter how painful it is.
Isn’t is funny that no matter how long we have been a Christian, everything always comes back around to just trusting God? It’s pretty simple, really.
I know what I need to change. I know that I can’t do it on my own. It’s all up to God. I just have to keep myself out of the way 
Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Philippians 3:13-14
